Investigative journalist Laura Blacklock needs a break, so the maiden voyage of the superyacht Aurora Borealis seems ideal. She has been invited by Anne Bullmer, a Norwegian billionaire who is dying from leukemia, to write the story about the billionaires on the yacht who are going to Anne’s fundraising gallery.

Laura (or Lo as she is randomly called) is in Cabin 8, and spots that someone is dropping cigarette butts from the balcony next door, Cabin 10, and later, when trying to avoid her ex-partner who just happens to be on the trip too, she stumbles into Cabin 10 and sees her neighbour.

That night, she hears a scuffle next door and sees a body thrown overboard. But no-one believes her, because there was never anyone in Cabin 10, and no-one is missing from the boat. Dum-dum-dum!

I was looking forward to this, I really was. Another murder mystery adaptation with a stellar cast based on a well-regarded book that I hadn’t read. And it’s only 90 minutes long – to quote Pete Davidson, a short-arse movie indeed. What could go wrong?

Let me count the ways…

First of all, the pacing. The first half of the film shoots from scene to scene as if the editor had a panic attack when cutting it. The scene breaks seem abrupt and almost too early – no time is given for the story to breathe. Once the twist is revealed, it slows down, but that means that once we know what’s going on, we’ve still got half the movie to get through…

Next up, the cast. To be clear, they do a great job. But if you’re going to hire everyone’s favourite northerner David Morrissey and the fabulous Hannah Waddingham, then give them something to do, don’t waste them as basically set dressing. That goes for most of the rest of the cast too, by the way, but if I list everyone who was wasted, then you’ll know who did it.

Right, I’ve rewritten the next bit a few times and while it is spoiler-free, it is full of thunderingly heavy hints. So go and watch the film if you have any inclination to do so and pop back when you’ve finished/had enough of it.

Of course, and of course this is my humble opinion, but if you’ve got eyes and half a brain cell, you’ll know who did it. It’s pretty clear who’s the captain of the Aurora Borealis – yes, it’s our old friend Captain Obvious. I’m sorry if this is blowing my own tuba, but I leant across to Mrs Puzzle Doctor (who’d tuned out by this point) and told her what was going on and who was behind it as soon as Laura meets the woman in Cabin 10. And I was right. About everything. And very disappointed at the same time.

You see, it’s a fairly standard plot, a group being isolated in a location when things kick off. However if that location is a rich man’s playground and the level of shenanigans is such that only someone with in depth knowledge could pull it off… well, that’s hard to do without it being the obvious solution as to who is behind it all. A Murder At The End Of The World did it masterfully – not sure why I didn’t review that, it was fabulous – but here… no. The who, the what, the how just isn’t particularly clever and it’s not helped by the visual nature of television. I can imagine the book does a better job of hiding something that the television didn’t. And it can be done well – there’s a superb example in a Suchet Poirot episode (you probably know the one) – but it didn’t work here.

So, apologies to all involved. Keira Knightley does all she can with what she’s been given and David Ayala is great as her ex and the rest of the cast are never less than good. But as a mystery, or even as a thriller – this is sub-par at best.

So go and watch A Murder At The End Of The World instead…